This month, I spent two weeks of the month doing my work and dealing with my emotional anxiety episodes. I have this attitude that I am very attuned to myself that I love to know why did I felt such feelings and emotions.
They say that people keep on moving and we should all keep moving on. I know I did move on from where I am before, it's just that I am feeling really stuck at the moment and I am imprisoned in elsewhere.
For the past months, I have started working as a freelance writer. The work sounds fancy, but with all the expenses of my medications, it's just a job. I am doing my blogs as it helps me present myself to prospective clients, plus it is therapeutically helpful for me as I deal with my high functioning anxiety. Lastly, my blog Live Love and Hope became very rewarding to me, I'm glad seeing people with chronic illness open up and build a connection to one another. It's very rewarding that some piece of my heart is raising awareness and creating a community. There are numerous people who opened up their emotions, their thoughts, and their lives to me. Some of them passed away while we are building our friendship by which I have to admit that my heart sunk and felt deeply sad.
Being a writer and having a book to come is my dream since my childhood. I'm supposed to be glad and thankful right? But, my problem is I think that all of my efforts are just nothing. That they are empty. My reasons are:
I think I am only working for my meds.
It feels like everything I am earning just goes to my medications. I know I should have the feeling of being grateful that I at least have a work to sustain my medications while the rest of the patients are having issues of getting hired or struggling to find finances that can sustain them. It feels like everything I do is or will is always going to be dedicated to my medications.
I think that everyone moves on and they think that I also did.
People know me that I am a strong person, but little do they know that I am also looking for a person or people to talk to. Someone that I can go and just cry. Someone that will just listen to me and literally just nod to me and acknowledge that what I am feeling is normal. I am needing someone that is going to listen. Someone who will not judge me and tell me to stop being negative about this. Honestly, I understand that when you said that, you only mean to cheer me, but the truth is, to someone battling a lifelong, risky disease those words are somehow offensive because we have doubled or tripled our efforts to be optimistic as much as possible.
To my full honesty, I am not strong, I just come out to look that way but my heart, myself, I am very vulnerable. Sometimes, I need that affirmation that it's fine, it's okay, you just need to take one step at a time.
I feel being forgotten
Maybe some of you will relate that before when we were in our best health, people always love to talk to us, invites us for coffee, for parties, for any fun activity. Then boom, you got sick and none of them thought to at least make a call, text, or at least send you a cute meme that they read. Some of them thought that since you're sick you'll tell no.
Yes, my disease limits me. It isolated me from the real world that I was once with you. But, that doesn't mean that I no longer wanted to hear what's going on in your life. That doesn't mean that I can no longer be the person who gives you crooked love advice. It doesn't mean that I cannot do the same thing before. It doesn't mean that I can no longer be your friend at all.
Did you know how much I miss your corny meme jokes? Did you know I also miss the times that you'll rant how your boss punished you with so much work to do? Did you know that a simple smiley from you to my inbox could mean a world to me?
If you're reading this and you have family members, a friend, or loved ones battling chronic illness, send them a message. Let them know that they aren't forgotten and they're not alone.
To clarify, I don't intend to mean that people should revolve their lives around me. I would never want that to happen. All of us have a life to live and enjoy. It's just that, I wanted to be unstuck to where I am right now, catch up, and move on with the people that I loved the most. Move on with the activities that I can do at the moment. Make plans with me, I'll reserve a spoon for you. If I don't feel good, I'll let you know.
One of the hells of living with Chronic Illness is the feeling of you have nowhere else to go. To the fact that we were isolated due to our compromised immune system and people that surround us chose to isolate us because of being limited, it adds up more pain to that thought. So be kind and be more inclusive because a simple gesture of inclusion could mean a world to someone like me.
Share your experience in the comment box below if you had the same situation. Kindly share some of your thoughts, ideas, and tips to get unstuck.
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