It was 4:30 am I just woke up and I am looking at my ceiling, thinking that Yes I woke up another day! Thank GOD!
Few more minutes I can feel my tummy turning around and starting to get upset out of my crazy medicine, alright, I will try to hold this, I can make this! Slowly, one spoon instructed me to run in the bathroom and start throwing up crazily. I was there on the floor of my bathroom thinking, how long will this vomiting keep on going. After this sour bitter throwing, migraine is soon to come. Here it goes, yes that pounding sound in my ear will start the immeasurable pain on my head. Let me go back to bed and wake up again on later time, oh! I forgot, I have work today, I just have to settle myself as soon as possible. At work I have to look normal even I am feeling unwell. I have to look fit to work, but I have to let my managers open of the thought that I am going through about something else.
Until one day, terrible things happens in the office. My doctor prohibit me to travel abroad and miss my chance of my awarding as a Marketing Director in Canada. Made me miss my scholarship audition for theater and filmography for Harvard University. Missed my chance to work as a Communication Developer for SEA Games 2019. On my way home I am having little fever. I am feeling so unwell until the rain came pouring. I started to get mad, "Why I am the most unfortunate person!?! Why are You so mad at me that You have to punish me this way?!" Yes, it's my first time to be upset about the challenges that the Lord has given me. When I came in my bedroom, there I am secretly crying all my weakness and asking why? why? why? I want to know why is He doing this? Nobody to cry on and nobody's shoulder or hand to hold me or embrace me. I was all alone. I felt so sad about all the opportunities that came along the way that I have to dropped down because of LUPUS nephritis and other complications.
The more I ran away from Him because of my questions why, the more He is drawing me near to Him. I joined some online some online Lupus Support Group, seeing their situation more unpredictable than mine soften my soul and my heart and keep on going to Him, not to pray for my own healing but for the healing of everyone suffering from the same diseases and other diseases especially the younger children who's eyes are filled of a beautiful future.
A dearly friend of mine, one of the writers of Boiling Waters PH and Changedlife Ms. Ann Marie asked me the question, "Have you already accepted the Lord as your personal Savior?" She then gave me one of her article called, "Faith" the article is filled with the words of the Lord's love towards us and how much He cares and give us rest in His side.
A week before Ann gave me her article, I get to reflect due to my work suspension. During my vacation week, I get to moved closer to Him, slowly my heart started to accept what's going on and went back to my faith of "God is my refuge and my savior." I realized if a bird can fly different places and get its own shelter and able to eat through the blessings of the LORD, how come that a human being like me loss its confidence on its own faith?
Reading over the article of Ann, it's about claiming that the Lord has saved us already through His son Jesus Christ. On that, I realized that, why I need to worry about a lot of matter about this disease. The Lord already saved me, and this disease is just a way to draw me closer to Him and strengthen my faith. Sometimes, tears of pain, tears of anger, tears of anxiety, tears of worry, are just our way to healing our soul. So still consider that this disease is a blessing and we are saved.